Caitlyn Jenner Interview With Vanity Fair | She Had A Panic Attack After Facial Feminization Surgery

Speaking to Vanity Fair, Caitlyn Jenner, said she she had a panic attack after her 10 hour facial feminization surgery on March 15th surgery.. she said she woke up to her new look and wondered if she had gone too far

'"What did I just do? What did I just do to myself?'

But after calling a counselor from the Los Angeles Gender Center, she realized the doubt and second-guessing was 'human and temporary'. In fact, she said that shooting the cover was better than winning the Olympics.

"If I was lying on my deathbed and I had kept this secret and never ever did anything about it, I would be lying there saying, 'You just blew your entire life," she told Vanity Fair.

"You never dealt with yourself,' and I don't want that to happen."

'That was a good day, but the last couple of days were better,''The last few days of doing this shoot was about my life and who I am as a person. 'It's not about the fanfare, it's not about the people cheering in the stadium, its not about going down the street getting an ''Atta boy Bruce' pat on the back, okay, this is about your life.Soon as the Vanity Fair cover comes out, I'm free.'

On those who say she is doing it for the money 

Oh, she's doing a stupid reality show. She's doing it for the money. She's doing this, she's doing that, ' ''I'm not doing it for money. I'm doing it to help my soul and help other people. 'If I can make a dollar, I certainly am not stupid. [I have] house payments and all that kind of stuff. I will never make an excuse for something like that. Yeah, this is a business. You don't go out and change your gender for a television show. O.K., it ain't happening. I don't care who you are.'

On people still referring to her as a He,

'I don't really get hung up,' 'A guy came in the other day and I was fully dressed - it's just habit, I said, "Hi, Bruce here," and I went, "Oh fu*k, it ain't Bruce," I was screwing up doing it.''

On her kids

I have made a lot of mistakes raising the four Jenner kids," "I had times not only dealing with my own issues but exes. [It was] very traumatic and there was a lot of turmoil in my life, and I wasn't as close to my kids as I should have been."

The sneaking around in women's attire happened for a very long time. When recalling endorsements and speeches made in the 1970s, Jenner tells the mag,

"Underneath my suit I have a bra and panty hose and this and that and thinking to myself, they know nothing about me.

"I walk off the stage and I'd feel like a liar. And I would say, 'F--k, I can't tell my story. There's so much more to me than those 48 hours in the stadium, and I can't talk about it.' It was frustrating. You get mad at yourself…Little did they know I was totally empty inside. Totally empty."

Culled